Barbara's Journal
June 2013

     At my annual physical in February, my doctor had told me that if I could go one year without a period, I would most likely be done with it. Then she tells me the story of her making it to the last two weeks of her year and then got it. This made me very fearful about repeating this in my own life. I felt as though I went out of my way to avoid young women… my “Margaret Meade” complex.

     Well, my last period was April 2012. My trepidation is over. It’s been one year and two months since then. I hope I’m not that one exception and have Auntie Em visit in the next few months or years from now.

     I still get hot flashes every once in a while, but they are mild, not the intense painful ones I’d been having the two years prior. Gone also are any of the flashes of anger once a month. In fact, I feel such calmness in my attitude and behavior. I like the “me” that has come out on the other side of this experience.

     Now, I did have weight gain of thirty pounds, but it didn’t help that I was a bit overweight at the start. I did not exercise as much as I should have done. My only regret. But, I stayed with my yoga, one year next week. This was great in keeping me toned and balanced, both physically and emotionally. My waistline is making its reappearance. Probably because I’ve given up that delicious Sprouts dark chocolate and fresh strawberries.

     A couple of times this month I had night sweats. I don’t have air conditioning and it’s been warm here. A cool shower helps every time. One woman told me that she still has hot flashes and night sweats more than ten years after stopping her menses. Well, I don’t want to take Vitex again for symptom relief. I’ve decided that I’m going to let things run their natural course at this point. I know that relief is there should I need it.

     Loss of libido and vaginal dryness is present. But, I have no sexual partners to make this an issue at all. It’s kind of nice to freely focus on other types of relationships and activities in my life right now.

     I do have tender joints, tendons, and muscles from time to time. I had not been aware that this could be a symptom of menopause. It may be a combination of my yoga and changes in my body’s chemistry. I don’t think it’s a problem worth taking any pills to alleviate. Just more yoga.

     As I said, yoga really helped keep my body in balance, so I never had any dizziness issues. A couple of times I remember being slightly disoriented or confused. It was while I was in my car searching for a destination. It was brief both times, but made me slightly anxious. I cannot think of any memory lapses – not that I wouldn’t want to forget some things or even that I would be able to recall if I did forget them… what was I talking about?

     There is one symptom that I did not like. I had one thick hair on my chin that kept growing and growing. I’d pluck and it’d be back the following week. I also had some more darker, prominent hairs above my lip. Took care of those as well. I’m glad that there were no other issues with my head of hair. So far, no thinning or graying. My hairdresser said she found two gray hairs amongst the lot. I don’t go back to see her anymore…

     I wonder about my frequent urination over that last two months. Is this a possible symptom of menopause? Is this why there are so many commercials on television now? The baby boomers are all post-menopausal. This issue was not included in any of the symptom lists I had located. A specific search on the internet netted answers. I found that as the estrogen levels go down, the bladder walls begin to thin. This leads a woman to think she has to go frequently. Well, I don’t have any problems producing urine when I have this feeling. And I hope this issue moderates soon.

     I will continue to take my calcium (600mg) with vitamin D3 (200 I.U. 5 mcg) pills to keep my body healthy. I have heard issues about bone density and want to avoid breakage in post menopause. All other vitamins and nutrients I get from natural foods. Since my Daniel Fast in January, I have really been focused on eating healthy. I read a lot of the packaging and avoid almost all foods with chemicals and additives. I believe that this has helped to make this passage through menopausal symptoms an easier one.

     I hope that my journaling about my personal trek through menopause has been beneficial to a woman or two. I know that it helped me in so many ways. I was not afraid to ask questions or do research to find the answers. I can look back on the entire journey and appreciate where I am because I can see from where I came. And now that I have finished with that phase of my life, I am so excited for this new course open to me!

Barbara's Journal
April 2012

     I had no period after August last year until January, though plenty of hot flashes which were painful. Every time I experienced a hot flash, it was like that shock of adrenaline one gets when tripping over something. But, so far I haven’t had the sweats like a couple of my friends.

     I was scheduled to leave for my trip to Italy early this month, but it was pushed forward two weeks. I’m glad because my period started the week I should have been overseas. It ended a day or two before I left.

     I stopped taking the Blood Builder since I hadn’t had an irregular period in over a year and a half. I also discontinued the Vitex to see if there would be a change in the hot flash symptoms. So far, everything remains the same.

Barbara's Journal
September 2011
     I find so many women to talk to about menopause. It is so much in the forefront of my thoughts that I take almost every opportunity to discuss their experiences. I actually met a woman this weekend who had “stress induced” menopause. It just stopped abruptly. I was fascinated to learn about a completely different experience. Apparently sometimes severe stress at the right time in a woman’s life, will “poof,” magically end all menses forever. No hot flashes, no symptoms, just the faucet shutting off. I’m slightly envious, but not that I would ever want a major stressor in my life like she experienced. Still, I’m jealous just the same.

Barbara's Journal
Still August 2011

     Menopause does not mean drama. But, I hear so much from people about how menopause means drama. I don’t believe that mood swings are a direct result of menopause, but rather reactions to things life throws at us as a natural course. I can’t see any justification in blaming reactions to drama as a phase in the chemical changes in a woman’s body. I view such accusations as an excuse to dismiss an individual’s reactions to stressful events.

     The end of my period is here. It’s lasted a couple of days longer than any time in the past. I actually had a big hot flash the day it ended. There was some drama that crept into my day just before it hit. But my response was so mild that I surprised myself. I hope this sense of calm remains after menopause is done with me. It’s sweet to be able to react to things with the focus of keeping grounded and generating productive results. Nobody is in the background chattering like the sound of static, telling me I’m hormonal. Sweeeet.

     The last two days of my period seemed like a car with bad brakes. Hot flashes prevailed those last two days, as though it was the heating up of the brakes, screeching and whining to a halt. Unfortunately, no amount of servicing this vehicle is worth the expense. I will let it die out on its own… but damn, make it fast!

Barbara's Journal

August 2011

     Libido has left the building. I don’t have any interest in having any relationship with a man right now. I was asked out by a retired fireman and politely declined. The urges I once had are completely gone. I don’t know if this is residual effects from my divorce a couple of years ago, or menopausal causes. But, I’m perfectly happy with how I feel right now.

     I don’t know whether it’s because I was around several women for a couple of hours today, but I came home with cramps and ceased any hot flashes from my core. Then it came. Auntie Em. The visit was not as dreaded as in the past. It was mild this time, and I seem to have developed a quarterly pattern now. No complaints. So if I had one in January, April, and now August, I should maybe expect a visit in December.

     It was proven by the famous cultural anthropologist, Margaret Meade, that one woman in a group takes the “lead” for a groups’ menses. In the African tribe that Dr. Meade studied, she found that they had a “special” hut that all of the women went to stay during their menses time. She discovered that they all ended up in that hut at one common point during the month. So maybe I was affected by one lead woman in the group I sat with today? Typically in the past, I had to deal with my two daughter’s menses patterns.

     Exercise really helps with both the menses flow and the symptoms of menopause I’ve experienced thus far. I just need to be more committed to a routine of working out.

     I have been thinking about my own knowledge of the female processes. My own mother and grandmother never spoke of such things. I once asked my mother about her hysterectomy. Apparently she’d had endometriosis, and in the 1950’s, surgery was the cure her doctor chose. She was in her mid-thirties at the time and was always taking hormonal therapies. I don’t recall exactly what it was that she was taking, but I think it was estrogen. I wish she were still here so I could ask her more details of her experiences with early menopause.

Barbara's Journal July 2011

     Hot flashes that have felt like a rush of “embarrassment” in my cheeks have now become an intense wave – like the roaring of a train moving from deep within the core of my body towards the surface and extremities. The warmth remains for what seems like a long time, but is really only five to fifteen minutes. How the heck does anyone survive this while living in a warmer climate? Thinking about moving to Alaska…

     I never had any “mood swings” in my life – only that 24 hour potential for rage about two to three days before my period. I wonder why some women have mood swings during menopause? Is it just a misinterpretation of a normal occurrence of their bodies trying to “kick-start” their period? The pituitary gland seems to be working so hard to pour out the hormones to get things going. Maybe that’s the cause of hot flashes?

     What can I do about these symptoms? Well, hormonal therapies are definitely out for me. I’ve read too many things about the horrors associated with the use of synthetic hormones. I’m more the homeopathic type anyway. Although research online reveals some problematic issues there as well, I learned a lot. Side effects limit my choices, but there are some good choices out there. Chasteberry seems to have the best results with no side effects that I can find.

     Research has always been a huge part of my life. So, after a thorough search, I made some decisions. One year ago I began to take a product called “Blood Builder.” This took about six months of daily use to stop the irregular and spotty bleeding that I’d been having for about nine months. I also began taking Vitex (80mg), which has the chasteberry in it, for regulating the irritating symptoms like hot flashes.

     To further reduce hot flashes, I have found that decreasing my caffeine and alcohol consumption (zero for the last six or seven months) worked tremendously. And returning to an exercise routine has helped.

Barbara's Journal
May 2011

     Ahhhh. Having them again – those flashes. Two menses in four months is great! This time around, those hot flashes seem more intense. Less flashy and more constant, they are less frequent or as discernible as before. But hey, no complaints here. Just damn glad again that I have cool ocean breezes and not hot desert heat to get me through them.

     Hot flashes. Flashes of insight. Flashes of wisdom we each strive to achieve.

     Some women who come across these pages might feel horrified by my elation over the end of menses. For me it does not mean the end of womanhood or the hatred of having babies. There is a time for everything. And my time for that wonderful experience of conceiving and birth are over. I need to move onward towards other things, not maxi pads.

     Exercise. Keeping that going. I know it’s important to avoid that extra spread common to women going through menopause. Too bad it won’t mean I finally get a butt! Still, it would be sad to lose my waistline.

     Menopause. The pause I get. But what’s the “meno?” Webster’s Dictionary says it refers to “month.” So I guess it’s a month pause… The “female climacteric or change of life.” Climacteric means “a period in the life of a person when an important physiological change occurs, especially the period of menopause.” Well, it’s the lack of a period that makes it a definition I like.

     I remember in grammar school when the teacher ushered all the girls out of class and into the auditorium for “a special movie?” This was how most of us were introduced to the first “change of life.”  It began with Sally riding her bicycle down the street with a smile on her face. The narrator explains that something wonderful happened to Sally today. She became a woman. Really? I think it more defines a female of our species and more of the beginning of the road towards womanhood. But, just when we thought this was a G rated movie, it headed southward, becoming PG 13. I was horrified! Sally has what happening to her body??? And every month! Say what? Let me tell you, I didn’t ride my bike for months afterwards.

     Now in the same vein, shouldn’t there be a movie for women at the end of this “glory” phase? Something like: See Jane? She would be pushing a grocery cart up and down the aisles, shopping for her family. The narrator would come on announcing that something wonderful happened to Jane today. You know it! I’d be wandering the grocery store for days on end hoping to find the menopause aisle.

     I remember coming home after school the day we girls had viewed the film highlighting our first menses. My mother took me aside in private and asked me if I had any questions. What questions could I possibly have considering that I had no idea what any of it meant. It’s almost the same with menopause. I scoured bookstores and the internet. I found very little satisfactory information. Books were difficult to find and the internet was so vague. It contained merely a generalized list of potential symptoms. I wanted more details of other women’s experiences. I did not want just the physical details, but also the emotional components.

     Why is it that some of our relationships are strained by the natural bodily functions in menses and menopause? I have yet to find a man who is able to sympathize with us about our female “problems.” That’s it in a nutshell. Most of the men, and some women, I know have been trained to think of it as a problem. I remember hearing from several of them, “Is this normal?” or “Should you see a doctor about this?” It’s the same with menopause. If a woman gets mad or upset about something, men tend to blame it on menopause. This defense mechanism switches the focus of the true issues onto the woman’s psyche. It’s not fair, but rather juvenile. It can only lead to discord in the relationship. Who teaches men to think that menopause makes women horrible creatures? Television has created so much misinformation. I have always had an “angry day” since my first menses. It has always been two days before my period begins. It became a great indicator that Auntie Em was about to visit. It did not define me the entire five days of her visit.

Barbara's Journal
April 2011

     Well, the hot flashes stopped about three weeks ago. Damn. It wasn’t that I had them daily, but they didn’t seem as bad as I’d heard from friends. Then Auntie Em visited. At least I didn’t have spotting – that irreverent, unknowing drop or splash that surprises and irritates at the unexpected moment… often the most inconvenient times. I had that issue for about six months.

     What, you think it’s funny or strange that I would pray for hot flashes? Well, let’s set the facts straight… The reality is that I only know those flashes as a sign, a symbol that the end of menses is near. Perhaps it’s the end of an era of childbirth, but a welcome one at that. At my age and station in life, I want this pesky, time consuming, mentally consuming, and financially consuming event to be done. And the only indication that I know this is happening is to have those flashes.

Barbara's Journal

February 2011

     I had my first hot flashes at 52 years old. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. For the last ten years, I questioned and listened to friends talk about their experiences with menopause. I wondered when it would be my turn to experience this life changing event.

     What exactly should I expect? Information from friends was pretty much limited to short statements on hot flashes. The only conclusion I have been able to draw from them is that I’m truly glad I live in a cool climate now instead of the sweltering heat of the Arizona desert.

     But, I needed more… more facts about the road I’m heading down. This has become a journey into the unknown. There are a few books on the subject. They have been basic and generalized discussions that miss the mark for me. The internet searches provided the same general explanation of “a woman’s change of life.” And most of what I've found in the way of explanations seems to be tied into advertisements for products.

     I really want to know what are the details involved in this change. There has to be something more than just hot flashes, night sweats, and irregular periods as an explanation. How will I know if I’m perimenopausal or actually there? When will it be over? I realize that every woman will have a different experience, unique to their own body. But, what are the ranges that we can expect? We women need an overview, not a generalized list. That everyone is different tells us nothing to alleviate the concerns.

     But, let me start with that list and explore from there—

Hot flashes, irregular periods, mood swings, weight gain, vaginal dryness, night sweats, loss of libido, sore joints, tendons and muscles, changes in hair growth, thickening of the waist, mental stuff like confusion or disorientation, memory lapses, and/or dizziness and balance issues. Wow! These are some of the things I can expect over the next few years or so…

     I decided to write this journal, exploring the trek as I’m propelled through this physical and psychological evolution towards the next phase of my life. My hope is that I will have a much clearer view of what happens along the way. And just maybe I will find a better person in myself at the end.