Barbara's Journal
May 2011

     Ahhhh. Having them again – those flashes. Two menses in four months is great! This time around, those hot flashes seem more intense. Less flashy and more constant, they are less frequent or as discernible as before. But hey, no complaints here. Just damn glad again that I have cool ocean breezes and not hot desert heat to get me through them.

     Hot flashes. Flashes of insight. Flashes of wisdom we each strive to achieve.

     Some women who come across these pages might feel horrified by my elation over the end of menses. For me it does not mean the end of womanhood or the hatred of having babies. There is a time for everything. And my time for that wonderful experience of conceiving and birth are over. I need to move onward towards other things, not maxi pads.

     Exercise. Keeping that going. I know it’s important to avoid that extra spread common to women going through menopause. Too bad it won’t mean I finally get a butt! Still, it would be sad to lose my waistline.

     Menopause. The pause I get. But what’s the “meno?” Webster’s Dictionary says it refers to “month.” So I guess it’s a month pause… The “female climacteric or change of life.” Climacteric means “a period in the life of a person when an important physiological change occurs, especially the period of menopause.” Well, it’s the lack of a period that makes it a definition I like.

     I remember in grammar school when the teacher ushered all the girls out of class and into the auditorium for “a special movie?” This was how most of us were introduced to the first “change of life.”  It began with Sally riding her bicycle down the street with a smile on her face. The narrator explains that something wonderful happened to Sally today. She became a woman. Really? I think it more defines a female of our species and more of the beginning of the road towards womanhood. But, just when we thought this was a G rated movie, it headed southward, becoming PG 13. I was horrified! Sally has what happening to her body??? And every month! Say what? Let me tell you, I didn’t ride my bike for months afterwards.

     Now in the same vein, shouldn’t there be a movie for women at the end of this “glory” phase? Something like: See Jane? She would be pushing a grocery cart up and down the aisles, shopping for her family. The narrator would come on announcing that something wonderful happened to Jane today. You know it! I’d be wandering the grocery store for days on end hoping to find the menopause aisle.

     I remember coming home after school the day we girls had viewed the film highlighting our first menses. My mother took me aside in private and asked me if I had any questions. What questions could I possibly have considering that I had no idea what any of it meant. It’s almost the same with menopause. I scoured bookstores and the internet. I found very little satisfactory information. Books were difficult to find and the internet was so vague. It contained merely a generalized list of potential symptoms. I wanted more details of other women’s experiences. I did not want just the physical details, but also the emotional components.

     Why is it that some of our relationships are strained by the natural bodily functions in menses and menopause? I have yet to find a man who is able to sympathize with us about our female “problems.” That’s it in a nutshell. Most of the men, and some women, I know have been trained to think of it as a problem. I remember hearing from several of them, “Is this normal?” or “Should you see a doctor about this?” It’s the same with menopause. If a woman gets mad or upset about something, men tend to blame it on menopause. This defense mechanism switches the focus of the true issues onto the woman’s psyche. It’s not fair, but rather juvenile. It can only lead to discord in the relationship. Who teaches men to think that menopause makes women horrible creatures? Television has created so much misinformation. I have always had an “angry day” since my first menses. It has always been two days before my period begins. It became a great indicator that Auntie Em was about to visit. It did not define me the entire five days of her visit.

Barbara's Journal
April 2011

     Well, the hot flashes stopped about three weeks ago. Damn. It wasn’t that I had them daily, but they didn’t seem as bad as I’d heard from friends. Then Auntie Em visited. At least I didn’t have spotting – that irreverent, unknowing drop or splash that surprises and irritates at the unexpected moment… often the most inconvenient times. I had that issue for about six months.

     What, you think it’s funny or strange that I would pray for hot flashes? Well, let’s set the facts straight… The reality is that I only know those flashes as a sign, a symbol that the end of menses is near. Perhaps it’s the end of an era of childbirth, but a welcome one at that. At my age and station in life, I want this pesky, time consuming, mentally consuming, and financially consuming event to be done. And the only indication that I know this is happening is to have those flashes.

Barbara's Journal

February 2011

     I had my first hot flashes at 52 years old. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. For the last ten years, I questioned and listened to friends talk about their experiences with menopause. I wondered when it would be my turn to experience this life changing event.

     What exactly should I expect? Information from friends was pretty much limited to short statements on hot flashes. The only conclusion I have been able to draw from them is that I’m truly glad I live in a cool climate now instead of the sweltering heat of the Arizona desert.

     But, I needed more… more facts about the road I’m heading down. This has become a journey into the unknown. There are a few books on the subject. They have been basic and generalized discussions that miss the mark for me. The internet searches provided the same general explanation of “a woman’s change of life.” And most of what I've found in the way of explanations seems to be tied into advertisements for products.

     I really want to know what are the details involved in this change. There has to be something more than just hot flashes, night sweats, and irregular periods as an explanation. How will I know if I’m perimenopausal or actually there? When will it be over? I realize that every woman will have a different experience, unique to their own body. But, what are the ranges that we can expect? We women need an overview, not a generalized list. That everyone is different tells us nothing to alleviate the concerns.

     But, let me start with that list and explore from there—

Hot flashes, irregular periods, mood swings, weight gain, vaginal dryness, night sweats, loss of libido, sore joints, tendons and muscles, changes in hair growth, thickening of the waist, mental stuff like confusion or disorientation, memory lapses, and/or dizziness and balance issues. Wow! These are some of the things I can expect over the next few years or so…

     I decided to write this journal, exploring the trek as I’m propelled through this physical and psychological evolution towards the next phase of my life. My hope is that I will have a much clearer view of what happens along the way. And just maybe I will find a better person in myself at the end.